Both of us

The meaning of Mende

January 7, 2016

When a friend you love and admire dies unexpectedly, it’s hard not to make it about you. ¬†It’s human nature.

There are right and wrong ways to connect with the death of someone who is not a close relative or even a best friend Рbut someone who was part of your life in some truly meaningful way. The wrong way is to use the death to evoke sympathy for yourself, or to rush to be the first to tell others, or to insinuate that the relationship was somehow more intimate than it was.

I am struggling with the right way. Let me try. This sudden death of a friend my own age, apparently from a blood clot, is a life-altering, gut-punching stunner Рnot just for me, but for everyone who knew Mende George. I was sitting alone at a bar in Coral Gables, Fla., after a day of class when the Facebook traffic started to reveal shock from a premature death, somehow related to church. But my phone service was spotty. When Sue finally texted the name, the alarmed bartender approached and asked if I were OK.

I don’t relate this story to elicit a “sorry for your loss.” I am struggling with what it means and how I can honor Mende by approaching life differently, waking up to some enhanced¬†sensitivity of the soul, being a better person.

Mende made us laugh. She was this unique combination of church lady in pearls who could drink both of us under the table and deliver a profane insult in a deadpan way that made you bawl with laughter. She and her husband, Alan, were high-school sweethearts and obviously madly in love. We enjoyed being with them; they served up earnest conversation and abundant hospitality when you visited their home, and kept the wine flowing. She had two sons of whom she was fiercely proud, and she was anticipating becoming a grandmother.

Her passion was teaching children about the Bible and Jesus, and she was a devotee of the Godly Play curriculum. She was a stern stickler for Godly Play purity and let you know pointedly when you transgressed. She left our parish, which was difficult for her, so she could follow her passion and actually be paid to be a youth and family minister at another Episcopal church. They quickly grew to love her as we did. Our last communication was her invitation to attend church with them last Sunday.

We have not yet experienced Mende’s funeral and the beautiful, mystical Episcopal liturgy:

“You only are immortal, the creator and maker of mankind;
and we are mortal, formed of the earth, and to earth shall we
return. For so did you ordain when you created me, saying,
‘You are dust, and to dust you shall return.’ All of us go down
to the dust; yet even at the grave we make our song: Alleluia,
alleluia, alleluia.

As I inched through Miami rush-hour traffic on my way back from class today, I thought about the status of my soul. With absolutely no notice or preparation for exiting this life, would I –

  • have wasted too much time arguing on Facebook and Huffington Post?
  • have watched too many episodes of American Pickers?¬†
  • have worked too much when I retired to live with meaning and intention?
  • have been too self-absorbed and not in the moment for my fellow humans?
  • have spent too many precious minutes inching through rush-hour traffic?

Or would I maximize my time with the people I love, be alert enough to deliver random acts of kindness to strangers, follow the teachings of Jesus, and tap into the creative force that God sends flowing through each of us?

This death has shaken clergy who usually stand resolute to minister to the rest of us. Our deacon, Pat, posted the poem, “Grief,” by Gwen Flowers, which ends:

“Grief is not a task to finish
And move on,
But an element of yourself-
An alteration of your being.
A new way of seeing.
A new definition of self.”

The most fitting tribute to Mende is to let her passing lead us into this altered being, this new way of seeing. I invite everyone who loved and will miss Mende to pray for this new definition of self. Amen.

 

  • Reply
    Janet Ray
    January 8, 2016 at 9:39 am

    Beautiful words. I enjoyed reading this. So much to think about. Thank you.

  • Reply
    Alan
    January 8, 2016 at 12:42 pm

    This is an absolutely spot-on tribute to Mende’s life and purpose. She is still steering us in the right direction. I love you for sharing.

    • Reply
      kairosdesign
      January 8, 2016 at 2:46 pm

      Alan we love you. We are so overwhelmed with Mende’s life, purpose and the loss. Writing this helped me inject some small nugget of meaning into an unbearable event.

      Lee Ann and Sue

  • Reply
    Ruth Morris McClements
    January 8, 2016 at 8:40 pm

    Mende was a beautiful soul, blessed with a effervescent smile and shining eyes. She took up the gauntlet when I retired and introduced Godly Play to the children of Christ Church, which continues to have a successful run. And she made the best wedding soup. You will be missed, Mende for a long, long time . Our hearts are heavy with this untimely passing. Thanks Leeann for expressing such thoughtful words for a beautiful Christian lady.

  • Reply
    Phyllis
    January 8, 2016 at 10:09 pm

    Beautiful LA. Thanks for sharing.

    • Reply
      Cheryl Woodward
      January 9, 2016 at 9:45 pm

      So eloquently said. . . . .

  • Reply
    Marina Bruner
    January 10, 2016 at 10:10 pm

    While I hardly knew Mende, I do feel impacted by her death. I recall her coming into a Holly Fair meeting at Christ Church. I swear the energy in the room changed! I walked around the reception and said to myself, ‚ÄĚMende George love fiercely and was fiercely loved.” Her legacy lives on in so many ways, but the love she bestowed on so many children by teachimg them of Jesus will never die. Sleep in Heavenly Peace, Mende.

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